PCS-Perpetual Change for Spouses

Moving. It comes with the territory when you are a military spouse. The majority of us move at least a handful of times throughout our spouse’s career. We don’t get to choose where we move, we go where we are assigned. There is a level of excitement with that, but it can also feel like a stranger is throwing darts on a map to decide your fate. 

Arrival

So, you finally get to your new assignment after dealing with the stress of yet another move. You are praying that all of your household  goods appear in one piece, especially the table that has been passed down in your family for generations and is irreplaceable. It’s a hypothetical table, as I don’t have one, but there’s usually something, something of great value that you can’t fit into your car that you have to trust the movers won’t break.

Unpacking and Exploring

Then comes the unpacking, that gets your adrenaline going. You unpack like a maniac because you just want to make your new house feel like a home. When you move every 2-3 years, the goal is to feel as settled as you can as quickly as you can. You try and fit the furniture you’ve carried with you through multiple moves into the new spaces you have to work with. You have eaten out for weeks, so you try and get through all of your dishes, pots and pans as quickly as possible. A home cooked meal is all you can stomach at this point. You go out and replace every cleaning supply you owned in your last house (as they can’t be packed), you buy curtains for new windows, furniture to fit new rooms, or sell furniture that has no place. Sometimes your spouse gets to be a part of the unpacking, other times they have left for training, or a mission or a deployment, or need to report to work immediately and have limited time. There’s no telling, but one thing is for sure, you need to feel settled. 

Exploring Your New Digs

Once the unpacking is done, you are free to drive around and learn your new town. You use GPS for a while because half the time you’ve never visited your new assignment location, let alone lived there. You spend some time learning what there is to do around your new town. Once you’ve done all of the things the town has to offer, and tried many of its restaurants, it’s time to get into your new routine. If you have children, that often means getting them started at their new school. For you, it might mean starting a new job (if you can find a job).

The Honeymoon Is Over

Then comes the most challenging part. The part that not many people talk about, the let down. The let down is when you’ve done all of the things you need to do to get settled. You’ve checked all of the boxes and your I’m-living-and-settling-into-a-new-place adrenaline crashes. Your spouse has started a regular work schedule again, your kids have their school schedule down and you are left in a new place where you may or may not know anyone. The longer you are in, the more people you will know, but the longer you are in the harder it gets to continually have to say goodbye to people. So, part of you just wants to stay home, not participate, become a recluse. If you don’t form relationships with people, then you don’t have to say goodbye and you can avoid some of the hurt. You have moments where you just need to take time for yourself, whether it be a nap, hitting the gym, reading a book or watching a show. They are necessary because you are coping with yet another big change.

It’s Normal

I say these things out of experience, but also out of talking to countless Military spouses who can relate. This is a normal aspect of the lifestyle we lead. For a long time I felt like there was something wrong with me, I wondered if my reaction was normal. It turns out that it’s very normal. It’s something I’ve come to recognize and embrace as part of the process. 

Everything Is Going To Be OK

The light at the end of the tunnel does come. It takes some time, but typically at about 6-12 months into an assignment, you finally start feeling more like yourself. You’ve gotten to know some people and you are ready to get to know more. You’ve realized that getting to know people is what makes or breaks an assignment! Yes, it’s hard to say goodbye, but for the time being you begin to embrace your newly formed support system (which is vital for Military families).

While moving is not easy and it comes with many challenges, the Military family is resilient. There’s always that initial adjustment, and the time frame can differ from person to person or location to location, but most of us wouldn’t change a thing. Sure, some days it might be easier to live in one place, have the safety net of family all around, and not worry about who is going to watch your kids when one has to go to the ER, but the adventure and life experiences that Military life brings makes it all worth it.